In Which Ranma Finds Out What Women Want
by NeverwhereKitty
Summary: Ranma can suddenly hear what women are thinking? What's this world coming to? Based off of the movie "What Women Want" ... sort of.
1. In Which Ranma Gets A Knock On The Head

{Ok. Hey, all. ^_^ Well....welcome to my fic. :D I know several people on this website, and they're probably going to be the only ones to read this, but just in case they aren't, I'd like to let you know a couple of things. This is -meant- to be comedic, even if it isn't. XD XD XD ....or at least, it is later. The beginning isn't so funny, I suppose.  
  
On reviews: I'd love them. I appreciate honest reviews, but I'd like it if they were either praise or -constructive- criticism. Not total You suckism, thank you. XD For more on my views on reviews, check my profile. :P :)  
  
And, this is a parody-ish-thing of What Women Want. So. If you don't like that movie, or you think that story has been done over too many times, then don't read this. ^.^ Oh...and it won't be through and through. Just the whole idea of the thing.  
  
Anywho. -None- of these characters belong to me, and none of them ever will. ::sighs:: Don't I wish I could have them. ;_;  
  
o.o; And by the way. I published this last night, and I know now have five reviews. Well....all I can say is, thanks you guys. ^-^ I'll say more to you next chapter...}  
  
I know something you don't knooooow, Nabiki sang, walking into the dining room of the Tendo household.  
  
Ranma looked up at her, mouth full of potato chips. He slowly swallowed them, and stared suspiciously at Nabiki. And what might that be? he asked slowly.  
  
Nabiki gave Ranma a devilish smile, and held out her hand.  
  
Ranma glared at her. Forget it, Nabiki. Why would I care anyway? He looked away from her, closed his eyes, and crossed his arms, a determined, haughty look on his face.  
  
Nabiki shrugged, and drew out her words she said, Welllll.....okaaaaay. If you're suuure. But, you know, here there was a large dramatic pause, it -does- involve Akane. At this point, she slowly began sauntering out of the room.  
  
Ranma's lip twitched. Thoughts were running through his head at 100 mph. _Okay, so, it could be completely useless information. Like that Akane beat up Kuno again, or she tried and failed miserably to make a doll in Home Economics. But then again, what if this is actually something important? What if Akane decided to move to China? Or she went to the hot springs with...uh...Kuno? Or or or..._ Hm...what could be worse than that? Ah, he knew. _...what if she's trying to cook something for dinner?_ Ranma gave an obvious shudder at that. It wasn't worth the risk. Nabiki, wait, he said with a sigh.  
  
A playful grin on her face, Nabiki paused in the door frame. she asked slowly.  
  
Name your price. He lowered his head, a defeated look on his face, but still sitting with his arms crossed.  
  
Nabiki ambled over to the table and stuck her hand in Ranma's face. 500 yen.  
  
Ranma, unsure of how he kept managing to get all this money, opened his eyes, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a hand full of coins. He counted out 500 yen, and handed it unhappily over to Nabiki before jamming the rest back into his pocket.  
  
Nabiki smiled sagely, and pocketed the coins. Here's your info. Akane went over to Ryouga's. Then she turned and strode quickly out of the room, not feeling in the mood to be around when Ranma spazzed out.  
  
Ranma sat for a moment, and just sizzled, looking angry and rather like a five-year-old who had screamed and screamed but still was being forced to eat his brussel sprouts.  
  
Now, normally, Ranma would've gone after the two and would've pretended he was Ryouga's long lost girlfriend or his fiancee. And actually, he was just about to jump up, splash himself, and throw on a dress and a wig.  
  
But at that moment, Akane walked in the back door. Hi, Ranma, she said with a rarely seen smile.  
  
Ranma glared at her. Oh, hi, Akane, he told her in a very doom-ish voice.  
  
Akane automatically glared back. What's with the tone? she asked, annoyed.  
  
Oh, nothing. I mean, I'm not allowed to see Ukyou or Shampoo for -anything-, but I suppose you seeing other guys doesn't really matter.  
  
Akane suddenly looked quite exasperated. Oh, give me a break, Ranma! she snapped. I was just at Ryouga's so I could visit Checkers! Besides, Ryouga's -nice- to me, unlike -some- people! She paused, and then said, Wait. How did you know I went over to Ryouga's, anyway? HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME!?  
  
Any sensible person would've apologized profusely at this point, and then backed out of the room, bowing many times while continuing to apologize. Ranma, however, stood up and yelled, What, are you KIDDING ME!? Spy on a macho chick like YOU!? NO WAY!  
  
Oh? THEN HOW'D YOU FIND OUT!?  
  
NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!!!  
  
IT IS -SO- MY BEESWAX!  
  
IS NOT!  
  
IS TOO!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
MACHO CHICK!  
  
With this last and final insult, Akane grabbed the table, lifted it high over her head, and brought it crashing down on Ranma's.  
  
At that moment, thunder rumbled in the distance, and it began to rain.  
  
Ranma was crushed under the table, and had, as usual, passed out.  
  
~~~  
  
_Honestly. That idiot. If he didn't provoke me so much, I wouldn't do things like this,_ came Akane's voice through the darkness.  
  
Ranma stirred slightly, and rolled over.  
  
_Inconsiderate jerk. Don't know why I care whether he's all right or not anyway._  
  
Ranma opened his eyes, and stared blearily over at his fiancee. He realized he was laid out on the couch, and Akane was sitting in an armchair not too far away and looking uncomfortable.  
  
he asked, in a daze.  
  
Akane looked sharply up. Oh. Hi, Ranma, she said unenthusiastically. _Oh, good. He's okay,_ she added.  
  
Ranma blinked. Well...those two emotions...didn't really go together. And it looked like she hadn't moved her lips when she said he was okay. He rubbed his eyes hard, and sat up slowly. Ngh. Why d'you always have to use the table? he snapped, annoyed.  
  
Akane glowered at him. _I wouldn't if you didn't call me names all the time, Jerk!_  
  
Ranma glowered back. Oh? Look who's calling who names! he snapped, rubbing his eyes again, as it was quite obvious this time that Akane's lips hadn't moved.  
  
Akane suddenly looked puzzled.   
  
You just called me a jerk, didn't you?  
  
she told him slowly, raising her eyebrow. _Maybe I hit him a little harder than I thought._  
  
Ranma blinked, confused.  
  
It was at that moment Shampoo crashed through the wall of the Tendo household. Nihao, Ranma! Nihao, Akane! she said with a grin. Shampoo bring delivery from Cat Cafe! She looked at Ranma, and her grin widened.  
  
Ranma's eyes grew wide, and he stared at Shampoo, shocked for a moment. Then he leapt up and ran screaming from the room.  
  
Shampoo blinked, puzzled. Is something Shampoo say?  
  
Actually, it was something Shampoo thought. But none of them knew that was the case at the moment. ;)  
  
{Well. As I said, I have five pretty kind and pretty honest reviews, so I suppose I'll be continuing. ^_^  
  
And as for Shampoo's thoughts? Well, it wasn't anything -too- bad, ok? Just remember: Ranma isn't really the romantic type. So it's not as naughty as it sounded. ::prod::  
  
And remember when you review that I'm fourteen-years-old. And I have feelings. ::fear:: ::is uberly paranoid:: Right...  
  
...so, anyway, hope you liked it. ^_^ Eh heh. ^_____^}


	2. In Which Thoughts Become NotSoSecret

{::shockedness:: ::blinks:: 25 reviews? On my first fic? After one chapter? Wow...I must've made it interesting. Heh. ^_^  
  
Well....I'd reply to every single one of my reviews, but do you realize how much space that takes up....? Bleh. o.o; So...I'll just write a couple quick general notes. ^.^  
  
To anyone who said it was good so far or that I should continue: Thank you, and I will. ^_^  
  
Special thanks for honest and/or kind reviews. :) Especially to Phil, dogbertcarroll, Ghost in the Machine (heh...oops on the currency thing), Nikka, shinji the good sharer, ShadowBakaSama, Lost Darkness (::glomps:: YOU READ MY FIC!!), Hououza, Sareph, and Mikado 1.  
  
About the whole WAFF thing: I don't think it'll be too WAFFy. ^.^ About the Ranma/Akane thing: It's not only about Ranma and Akane, but it -is- R/A, and there will be lots of both of them involved. ^.^  
  
Also: ....please don't threaten me. I don't write well under pressure. XD XD XD  
  
Plus: I'm still sort of experimenting with different ways of writing, so it may take me awhile to really get into the story. So, please be patient. ^^ Thanks.  
  
Yup. There we go. Now read on and enjoy!!}  
  
=^..^= ^_^ =^..^= ^_^ =^..^=  
  
Still screaming, Ranma burst into his room, slammed the door behind him and threw his back against it. After a moment, he stopped screaming, and started taking big, deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.  
  
Okay. Maybe this was a practical joke. Maybe Shampoo and Akane had just worked out some weird routine to scare him. But...Shampoo and Akane, working together? Well, that didn't seem possible.  
  
He slid down to the ground, puzzled and slightly worried. What other answer was there? If Akane and Shampoo weren't working together, what the heck was going on...? He took a deep breath again. Maybe he was just imagining things. After all, he had been whacked on the head with a table. Maybe it had finally done some actual damage.  
  
came a voice from outside the door. _I hope nothing's -too- wrong with him..._  
  
Ranma's eyes widened. What is it? he said to Akane through the door, not quite registering Akane's second comment. After all, it was very unlike her (at least to Ranma it was).  
  
_Oh, good. At least he replied._ Are you okay? It was really weird, you just running out of the room screaming like that, she replied disapprovingly. Oh, and Shampoo left.  
  
Ranma blinked. Those were very different things to say in the same sentence. Then he frowned. Didn't you hear what she said to me...? he asked slowly. Akane wouldn't have just let Shampoo -leave- if she had heard what Shampoo said to him. Whether she believed it or not, he knew she got jealous, just like she knew he did.  
  
Outside the door, Akane raised an eyebrow. I heard her say hello and that she brought a delivery. _Why is he acting so weird?_  
  
You mean you really don't...? You really didn't hear...?  
  
_Jeez...can't he just tell me what's wrong?_  
  
No...I don't think I can...  
  
_-Now- what's he talking about?_  
  
I can't tell you what's wrong!  
  
I never asked you too! _Jeez...it's like he's reading my thoughts or something!_  
  
Ranma was silent. Thoughts...? That was it! His eyes widened again, and he quickly stood up. He turned, took a step back, and pulled the door open. He stared straight at Akane.  
  
After a minute, Akane started to look uncomfortable. ...what? What is it? _Now what's wrong with him? What's with that white-hot gaze?_  
  
Ranma stared disbelievingly. Her lips hadn't moved on those last two sentences.  
  
Akane squirmed. _Can't he at least say something!?_  
  
Ranma looked around. Someone else...he needed to find someone else. Where's everyone else? he asked, looking back at his fiancee.  
  
At the dinner table, she said slowly. _What does that matter? He's not going to just leave without an explanation, is he!?_  
  
Ranma stared at her for another moment, then walked right past her and off towards the dining table where he would find Kasumi, Nabiki, his father, and Mr. Tendo.  
  
Akane stared after him, opened mouthed. Fine! Be that way! she yelled after him. _You jerk! You're just going to leave me here!? Well, fine! See if I care!_ She turned and stomped off to her room.  
  
Ranma turned and looked at Akane's retreating back, and realization washed over him. Was that why she always got so mad when he didn't explain himself...? He doubted he ever would've guessed that. He felt a little bad, and almost called after, but then...what was he supposed to say? _Akane, it's nothing personal, it's just that I can hear your thoughts and I want to see if I can hear everyone else's thoughts, too._ Yeah. That would sound great.  
  
So he turned and kept walking. As he tromped down the stairs, he thought about what had occurred in the last twenty minutes (or so). He could hear Akane's thoughts, and a lot of them seemed pretty different from what she actually said out loud. How did that make him feel...? Well, odd, for one thing. He wasn't sure how he really felt about it--not yet, at least.  
  
Ranma strode through the living room and the kitchen, and then paused. He listened.  
  
_Hmmm...maybe I could sell some of this. It's pretty good._  
  
Ah. That must be Nabiki. He shook his head...this was too weird. Then he walked into the dining room.  
  
Everyone looked up, mouths stuffed with food. Hey, Ranma, said Nabiki blandly after swallowing. _Hm...he looks out-of-it. It's a good time to try and get money off of im._  
  
Ranma glared at her, for a reason quite unknown to Nabiki.  
  
Genma and Soun waved happily to Ranma. For some odd reason or another, he couldn't hear their thoughts. Hm.  
  
Kasumi looked up, and smiled sweetly. Why, hello, Ranma, she said happily. _You freeloading little punk,_ she added.  
  
=^..^= ^_^ =^..^= ^_^ =^..^=  
  
{So....that's it. What do you think? I had no idea how to make Kasumi, and my friend sort of came up with the whole thing. XD What do you think of that? I hope you like it. If enough people don't, I might change it. But then, I probably won't, cause -I- like it, and I'm the author, so nya. :)  
  
By the way, I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. My computer's been acting really weird, and for awhile the internet wouldn't work, and blah blah blah. It should all be fixed soon, though. ^.^  
  
So....yeah. Review, please!! ...but, once again, I appreciate constructive criticism, but -not- all out flames. Thanks!!! Have a lovely day!!! ^______^}


	3. In Which Ranma Figures It Out

{Okaaaaaaaaaay. From now on, I'm going to stick y'all's review replies on my profile, just cause I don't have enough room to reply to everyone here, and I WANT to reply to everyone (whether the review is good or bad ^^).  
  
Heehee. As I figured, I got mixed reviews on the Kasumi thing. Fortunately, more people liked it than not. XD But just remember, Kiddies (yes, I know most of you aren't I just don't care): Kasumi is by no means the main character. Of course, she WILL be a big part, just...well, don't stop reading just because you don't like how I portray Kasumi. You can have a grudge at me or disapprove of me, but don't stop reading my fic JUST because of Kasumi. :)  
  
By the way. I have NO idea what to write. I have no inspiration at the moment. ::annoyance:: So bear with me, will ya? :)  
  
Oh yes. I have an issue about this fic. What the heck should I do about hearing thoughts when Ranma goes female??? Ponder this and give your input when you review. ^_^ Thanks a million!!  
  
And, one more thing: I am SO sorry it took me so long to update this!!!}  
  
Ranma stared at Kasumi, mouth open. he finally managed.  
  
Kasumi's smile didn't waver, but she tilted her head to the side. Hello, Ranma, she repeated sweetly. _What's he think I said? Sheesh. Maybe he's finally been hit on the head one too many times._  
  
Slowly, eyes wide, Ranma began to back out of the room. He suddenly felt very cold; like he had swallowed several pounds of ice.  
  
_What's wrong with him now...?_ came a thought that sounded like Nabiki's.  
  
Hey, Boy, are you all right? Genma asked jovially as he lifted another bowl of ramen to his mouth. He began swallowing it down.  
  
Yes, you are looking a little pale, said Kasumi in a concerned tone. _Now what's he done to himself?_ she added, sounding extremely tired.  
  
I'm...fine. Just...just fine. I uh...I have some...er...homework to do...  
  
Nabiki snorted. _Homework? He really_ must _be sick._  
  
Ranma was too shocked to feel angry or resentful at that remark. He continued backing out of the room. Then through the living room, and backwards to the door. Thoughts floated out of the kitchen and through his mind.  
  
_Jeez, this stuff really is good enough to sell.  
  
Oh my, I like cooking. I really wish Mr. Saotome would shut his mouth when he eats, though.  
  
I wonder how much I could get for it.  
  
How vulgar and...icky.  
  
Then again, it is Kasumi's cooking. Maybe I shouldn't sell it after all.  
  
Urgh, and he's on his fifth bowl. Why father's friends with him, I'll never understand.  
  
Maybe. I'll think about it._  
  
He reached backwards, and felt the smooth surface of the door until he was clutching the doorknob. Hand shaking, he fumbled with it until it turned and the door swung open behind him. He backed out through it, then slammed it shut. He kept his hand on the doorknob, and touched his forehead to the door. He shut his eyes and took deep breaths.  
  
At that moment, someone prodded Ranma in the shoulder, and Ranma jumped. he yelped, eyes going wide. He spun around and stared.  
  
Ryoga stared back, perplexed. Then he smirked. Let your guard down, eh, Ranma?  
  
Ranma waited for a few moments, listening hard for Ryoga's thoughts to come spilling into his mind. However, there was silence.  
  
Ryoga slowly raised his eyebrows. Ranma. What are you doing? he asked uncomfortably.  
  
Ranma frowned, and his eyebrows creased. Are you...thinking anything?  
  
Ryoga had a look on his face that read as Okaaaaaay then...'   
  
Then it dawned on Ranma. His eyebrows uncreased, and he blinked. Oh...it's only WOMEN...  
  
It was Ryoga's turn to stare at Ranma. What the heck are you talking about?  
  
Thoughts. Women's thoughts. I can hear women's thoughts. But only women's. Not men's. Just women's. It finally made sense! That's why he could hear Akane, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Shampoo's thoughts, but not Mr. Tendo, his pop, or Ryoga's.  
  
Ryoga began to wonder if maybe the last time Akane had smashed Ranma with something, she had smashed him a little too hard. Ranma. What are you talking about?  
  
I can hear-- Ranma stopped mid-sentence. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to tell Ryoga something like this. So he did the only logical thing there was to do, and stopped. You know what? Nevermind, he said flatly.  
  
Ryoga gave him a very funny, very searching look. Maybe he should just leave Ranma be. Yes, that was probably a good idea. That way, he could get on with his business. Hey, Ranma? he started hesitantly.  
  
  
  
Where's the Tendo household?  
  
Ranma stared at Ryoga for the millionth time in the past five minutes. Then he glanced behind him at the house. He looked to Ryoga again, and sighed, jabbing his thumb behind him to indicate the house.  
  
Ryoga blinked. he said.  
  
That was when Ranma edged around Ryoga and started walking. He had to do something, and fast.  
  
As he walked, he could hear Ryoga knocking, and Kasumi answering the door.  
  
Oh, why, hello, Ryoga! Come on in! _Hooooh boy. Not him again. He's a sweet boy, but I wish he would just tell Akane how he feels about her and get it over with._  
  
Thanks, Kasumi.  
  
_Really. Doesn't he realize his crush is totally obvious?_  
  
The door shut.  
  
Now, although Ranma quite agreed with Kasumi on the matter (well, not that Ryoga should tell Akane, but the fact that it was obvious he her), he didn't particularly -want- to know her views on Ryoga...or anything else, for that matter.  
  
So what was he supposed to do? Ranma thought hard as he walked along, trying to figure out what he usually did when he got in a tight spot like this.  
  
Then he had it.  
  
Why hadn't he thought of it before? She would know exactly what to do! She knew everything!  
  
Ranma turned to his right and started whistling, congratulating himself in his mind for coming up with this great idea.  
  
He was off to see Cologne.  
  
{Yeah...so...that wasn't exactly the most action-filled chapter. Plus, I think it's even shorter than the first two chapters. o_O;;; But the next one should be more interesting (and hopefully longer), as Ranma gets to hear Cologne's thoughts. ^-^ MUWAHAHAHAHA.  
  
So. As always, please review!! Praise and constructive criticism appreciated. :D}


	4. In Which Ranma Visits The Cat Cafe

{Awwww, I'm so proud of y'all for R&Ring so quickly. Almost brings a tear to my eye...;)  
  
Just a reminder: responses to reviews on my profile. ::points:: Go there, children. o_O I'm leaving the replies to Chapter 2 reviews up for awhile, too, since I'm sorta kinda posting this the same day I posted Chapter 3...::sheepish grin::  
  
So. Enjoy. XD And remember, I OWN NONE OF THE STUFF EVEN REMOTELY RELATED TO RANMA 1/2.  
  
AND BEWARE. This chapter might seem somewhat-to-quite OOC (Out Of Character). This is because I'm experimenting with my writing style. So. In advance, I'm sorry. :)  
  
Have fun now.}  
  
Ranma slowed his pace as he walked along. He looked down at his Chinese-style shoes, beneath which was the top of a chain-link fence (he wasn't sure why he always walked on top of them, but, well, he did). Then he looked back up and took in his surroundings. The bland buildings stood back and the brighter, flashier ones seemed to jump out at him.The sky was a bright, happy blue, clouds splashed here and there as if only to give it a little contrast. The sun was just beginning to set, and Ranma knew that later, when he was walking back from the Cat Cafe, he'd be able to see a plethora* of amazing colors ranging through the sky.  
  
A half-smile was pasted on his face, and his eyes were almost glazed. There was a slight wind blowing, making Ranma's clothes flutter around him slightly as he strolled down the fence.  
  
He had to admit, now that he was going to see someone he knew could help him, he felt...well...free. And it was really quite a nice feeling.  
  
After all, of course the Chinese ghoul would be able to help him. She always had (as he was, as she tended to put it, her ).  
  
Then Ranma paused, thinking about the statement he had just made in his mind. He tilted his head slightly, and realized, with a shock, that Cologne may be a three-thousand-year-old ghoul, but she was also...  
  
...a GIRL.  
  
Well. That certainly put a damper on his plans.  
  
He smacked a hand into his forehead. How could he have forgotten? No, really...how COULD he have forgotten?  
  
However, an even more pressing question was this: Did he want the ghoul's help so much that he was willing to risk hearing her thoughts? The very obvious answer: Noooo he most certainly did NOT. What kind of sick individual would?  
  
He sighed, and stared quite stonily at the ground. Now what was he supposed to do?  
  
As he was debating his new problem, a feminine voice called, Hi, Ranma!  
  
Ranma glanced up, dread written all over his face.  
  
A girl with dark brown hair that had grown just past shoulder length waved at him from across the road. She had a giant spatula strapped to her back which gleamed in the sun, and was wearing her usual ensemble of a purple almost-kimono and black tights. Unlike Ranma, she was on the sidewalk rather than the fence.  
  
Ranma could've hit himself. It was his third fiancee, Ukyo, and he really did not want to hear her thoughts at the moment.  
  
Okay, so he would rather hear her thoughts than Cologne's, but that wasn't the point.  
  
He waved back. he called hesitantly. He decided if he wanted to look normal, he should probably keep walking. So that's exactly what he did: started walking again, albeit with a great reluctance.  
  
Ukyo, however, obviously didn't share Ranma's reluctance. In fact, she bounded across the road, then fell into step beside him (not to mention five or six feet below him).  
  
Oh, that was just what he needed.  
  
_Wow, he looks nice._  
  
Here it came.  
  
How's it going, Ranma-Honey? _But he also looks depressed..._  
  
Uh, fine. How about with, uh, you? It was easy to be distracted when you were trying to figure out what was a thought and what wasn't, and made it rather hard for Ranma to have a conversation with a girl. Well. Harder than usual.  
  
_Hoo boy. He doesn't sound like himself. Can't be good. I wonder if it has anything to do with Akane...?_ Oh, I'm doing all right, she replied casually.  
  
Ranma continued to stare straight ahead. That's good. So...where ya goin'? He normally would've been content walking along silently, but that would only give Ukyo more time to think. And that was something he really, really, really didn't want.  
  
Oh, just out for a walk. How about you? _A walk. Ooo, good excuse. Jeez._  
  
I'm on my way to the Cat Cafe. Ack. That had been a stupid thing to say, considering that now Ranma couldn't exactly back out of his earlier plan. Especially since it looked like Ukyo had no intention of leaving him alone any time soon.  
  
Oh, really? Any particular reason? If Ranma had been watching Ukyo's face, he would've noticed a spark of malice in her eyes. _To see Shampoo maybe? Akane I can almost handle, but Shampoo...DANG, she makes me aggravated._  
  
I need some advice from Cologne. She didn't mind Akane, but was easily aggravated by Shampoo? That was interesting. Then again, he could see why: Akane pounded on him, making him supposedly hate her, whereas Shampoo...well, she could be all over him sometimes.  
  
Oh? About what? _Well, that's a relief. Though it might also be an excuse._  
  
Trying to come up with something realistic in a matter of seconds, Ranma said (and not without a certain amount of hesitation),Er. Just. Uh. Some problems I've been having. You know. Physically.  
  
Ukyo gave him an incredulous look. If it's physical, why aren't you seeing Dr. Tofu about it? _Really, what does he need to see _Cologne_ for?_  
  
Ranma almost fell off the fence. How could he have forgotten? Dr. Tofu! He was a MAN! And a doctor. It's, uh, something special, he muttered, remembering to reply just before the momentary silence became awkward.  
  
Ukyo's eyebrows shot up, and she couldn't help but smirk. Oh really? You wanna tell me about it? _Oooo...special? _Now_ he's got me curious._  
  
Ranma was silent for a moment. He had almost spilled the beans to Ryoga (in fact, he had)...he wasn't about to spill to Ukyo. Not particularly.  
  
Figuratively, Ukyo backed off. If you say so. She shrugged. _Hmmm...I wonder what it is? Maybe it's...no._  
  
Ranma risked giving her an odd look, but almost immediately peered forward again. When he did this, he noticed with a small shock that he was almost to the end of the fence, and right across the street was the Cat Cafe.  
  
_Oh, I bet it's...naw, couldn't be that. Oo! I know! It's...no. Not that. OH MY GOD. It couldn't be. NO WAY. Not--_  
  
But Ranma didn't feel like finding out what Ukyo thought his problem was, and he said, quite loudly, Well, there's the Cat Cafe. I'd better go. It's been really nice talking to you. Without giving Ukyo a chance to reply, Ranma hopped down off of the fence and sprinted across the street.  
  
He heard Ukyo's voice call a dismayed, after him, followed by a _Well...that was rude._  
  
Ranma felt a pang of guilt, and made a mental note to apologize to her later about his abrupt departure. Yeah, that's what he'd call it: an abrupt departure. Not a rude and uncalled for exit.  
  
He threw the door open, ran inside, and quickly shut it behind him. He turned slowly, and his eyes searched the cafe. As it was dinner time, the restaurant was filled with people idly chatting (or loudly arguing, depending on where you looked). In fact, there wasn't a single table open. And there was only one waitress: Shampoo.  
  
Now, normally, Ranma would've found some cold water, splashed himself with it, and helped Shampoo (actually, he probably wouldn't really, but he liked telling himself he would), but he felt that the matter at hand (the one about hearing girls' thoughts) was more pressing.  
  
Especially considering the fact that, at the moment, he felt like his head was going to explode.  
  
_He is SO HOT. Oh my god, I wish he would just come over and--  
  
This food is nasty. How anyone can stand Chinese I'll never--  
  
THAT JERK! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HIM! FRICKIN' B--  
  
Okay, so the formula is negative divided by two plus or minus the square root of squared minus--  
  
I'll be damned if I can ever get this stupid stain out--  
  
WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BLASTED F--  
  
Hey, this stuff's not bad. Maybe I should bring Tai here some--_  
  
On instinct, Ranma slammed his hands over ears and shut his eyes. However, this didn't help, as Ranma could hear these thoughts in his mind rather than through his ears.  
  
What had ever possessed him to come in here? Seeing Cologne in the first place was a dumb idea, but coming here at dinner time on a Tuesday night? How stupid could he get?  
  
_HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?? IT'S NOT--_  
  
He had to get out of here. He had to get out NOW, before these girls blew his head up. He had never realized how many people got angry when they were in the Cat Cafe.  
  
_I wish I was back at home. I wanna chat with Sarah online again--_  
  
Taking one hand from the side of his head, he reached behind him and fumbled for the doorknob.  
  
_Hey, is he okay? He looks like he's getting his hearing blasted out or--_  
  
GAH...where was it?  
  
Son-in-law? Are you all right? came a concerned, grating-yet-soft voice.  
  
Ranma opened his eyes, and stared down at Shampoo's grandmother. As usual, she was clutching her staff, and her white hair fell down around her and on the floor.  
  
Get...me...out of here, he stated rather loudly. He glanced around and noticed that he had gained the attention of about half of the cafe.  
  
Well, it only made sense. After all, he had sort of been clutching his head and fumbling for the doorknob for no apparent reason.  
  
Follow me, Sonny-boy. Ranma could hardly hear her because of the rest of the thoughts streaming through his head, not to mention the rest of the babble going on in the restaurant, but he got the message anyway and followed the old ghoul when she turned and started hopping through the room on her staff.  
  
He tried to look normal as he passed through the tables, but it was fairly hard. Especially considering the fact that the thoughts got a lot louder when he got closer to the source of them.  
  
Finally, unseeingly, Ranma was lead into one of the back rooms, where he slammed the door behind him and slumped against it, sliding down to the floor and staring down. He could still hear the thoughts, but, like normal speaking, it was strangely muffled through the door. Even--thankfully--the yelling.  
  
However. This left enough quiet for one woman's thoughts to continue penetrating his mind.  
  
_He doesn't look so good. I wonder what happened? Maybe he finally got dumped by that Akane girl and he's ready to marry Shampoo..._  
  
Ranma snapped his head up to glare at Cologne. I am not, he said flatly.  
  
Cologne gave him a surprised look. Not -what-, Dear? she asked. _Odd boy_.  
  
Oh, that was good. Ranma thought fast. I am not...going crazy.  
  
I never said you were going crazy. _Even if it seems like you might be._  
  
I know. Even when he wasn't disoriented Ranma wasn't usually good with comebacks, and this was no exception.  
  
Cologne's eyebrows creased. She cut to the chase. Is there something you need, Son-in-Law? _Like maybe my permission to marry Shampoo?_  
  
Ranma shook his head in sort of a jerky manner. he said flatly. He tried to concentrate on Cologne rather than the loud thoughts going on in the next room.  
  
Then...why are you here? _Maybe he's sick._  
  
Ranma began to feel resigned. He was trapped. Really, seriously trapped. And he needed help.  
  
And now that he thought about it? Well, how would Dr. Tofu know how to cure him of hearing women's thoughts? Cologne would probably have a much better idea than Dr. Tofu.  
  
Yet he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to do it. Tell Cologne, that is. Because, undoubtedly, she would figure out some way to help him that would also loop him into marrying Shampoo, which was something he -really- didn't want to do.  
  
So he stared at the older woman, unsure of what to say.  
  
_--doesn't really seem like it's that, though. Ear dragons** aren't really common this time of year, especially here in Japan. I wonder if maybe it's just stress. Son-in-Law does have a lot of stress in his life. He can usually handle it, though. I suppose it could also be--_  
  
  
  
Cologne snapped out of her thoughts.   
  
  
  
At that moment, the door was shoved open. Ranma's eyes widened, and he sprawled to the side, shocked and feeling very muddled. A barrage of thoughts started pounding through his head again. Loudly. Nevertheless, he sat up slowly and peered around the door.  
  
Aw, nuts.  
  
It was -her-.  
  
{The hardest thing about this chapter was ending it. o_O;  
  
Who's you ask? You'll have to read the next chapter to find out. :P  
  
So. How was that? I tried sort of a different style. You know, a bit more description and stuff. Not sure how it turned out. I kind of like it. But...yeah. Well, anywho, tell me what you think when you REVIEW!! ^_^  
  
And--did you notice?--I actually made this chapter a little longer than normal. Hey, I'm trying for ya, guys: I really am. :)}  
  
*Somebody PLEASE tell me if this was a good context in which to use this word. I mean, I know what it means and all (meaning in this case: overfullness...ish...), I'm just not sure if it was a good time to use it. o_O;  
  
**Uh, yeah. Made those up. ::sheepish grin::


	5. In Which Ranma Is Attacked By A Mushroom

{Okaaaaay. It's been a reeeeeeeally long time since I last updated, yeah? As usual.... ::sigh:: Sorryyyyyy. Well, at least I AM updating, eh? :) This chapter is VERY strange, and I think I may have rushed it a little. --; However, I DO like the overall effect anyway. :D  
  
Quick announcement. I had some problems with and the time setting, so I changed And you'll only know who they are if you've read Volume 9 or seen episode I-can't-quite-remember. In any case, if you don't know who I'm talking about when you start reading, go here for some info and find their name on the NOT MY SITE. It's a VERY VERY COOL ONE I found at some point, and it's been really helpful to me. :)  
  
By the way: THE CHAPTER TITLE IS A METAPHOR. Yeah.  
  
And TO AVOID SOME CONFUSION: Even when Ranma is a she, I refer to him as a he, as he is still a guy at heart. :p I know you might think this'll be extremely confusing, but believe me, you'll remember when Ranma is female the WHOLE TIME while you're reading my story...  
  
And now, FINALLY, chapter 5...  
  
...after the disclaimer, which is this: I DON'T OWN RANMA 1/2 AND I MAKE NO PROFIT WHATSOEVER OFF OF THIS STUPID FANFIC.}  
  
=..= =..= =..=  
  
LAST ON _IWRFOWWW_:  
At that moment, the door was shoved open. Ranma's eyes widened, and he sprawled to the side, shocked and feeling very muddled. A barrage of thoughts started pounding through his head again. Loudly. Nevertheless, he sat up slowly and peered around the door.  
  
Aw, nuts.  
  
It was -her-.  
  
Chapter 5: In Which Ranma Is Attacked By A Rampaging Mushroom  
  
....or, rather, _HIM_.  
  
Tsubasa Kurenai hopped into the room dressed as a giant mushroom, his feminine face the very picture of anger.  
  
Ranma gaped up at him, quite surprised and rather annoyed to find the boy who, for most of the time Ranma had known him, he had believed to be a girl--a girl in love with Ukyo, at that. And that fact--that he had thought Tsubasa a girl--is what made him have his immediate reaction of thinking of him as a her.  
  
Cologne was standing there with one eyebrow raised, her thoughts consisting of two words: _What the...?_ Which proved that even three-thousand-year-old ghouls get surprised once in awhile.  
  
RANMA! WHERE ARE YOU!? Tsubasa roared, drowning out all of the thoughts and gasps of patrons of the Cat Cafe and hopping on top of Ranma. Cologne, shaking her head as if she really shouldn't be surprised, hobbled over and shut the door behind him. _Can't have the door open now. It'll scare away all of the customers. My my...a mushroom...son-in-law makes enemies out of the strangest people..._  
  
DON'T TRY AND HIDE FROM ME, RANMA! I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE!  
  
I'm not, Ranma began flatly, kicking Tsubasa off so he fell flat on his back, He climbed to his feet again.  
  
The mushroom wiggled, trying to get up. Hey, that's no fair! Lemme up!  
  
What the heck do you want, Tsubasa!? I'm a little busy right now, Ranma snapped, shooting a look over at Cologne.  
  
Tsubasa grunted from the ground as he struggled to stand. And I will AVENGE HER!  
  
Ranma blinked, and he felt a pang of guilt again. He remembered her concern about how he was feeling, and her dismay at his abrupt exit. However, before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth, he asked I did? How?  
  
Tsubasa rolled his eyes. How do you think? She's worried--ouch--about you, you--ugh--jerk!  
  
Ranma frowned. He was about to comment on this when he realized something. Hey...I thought you didn't like Ukyo anymore, he said blankly, as usual forgetting the more important things and asking about insignificant details. I thought you liked Akane or somethin'.  
  
Well--mmf--I like Ukyo again! She's--GAH--really nice to me!  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. The last time Tsubasa had been chasing after Ukyo she had been horrible to him.  
  
But anyway, Tsubasa said, finally getting to his feet in his mushroom costume, you made her really upset! Running off like that, you outta be ashamed of yourself!  
  
Ranma had heard that so many times that it had pretty much lost it's punch by now.  
  
In the momentary silence left after Tsubasa's statement, Cologne's thoughts sliced through Ranma's mind again. _What a strange young man._  
  
Ranma looked over at her, distracted, and Tsubasa charged at him. Don't ignore me! I'M GONNA GET YOU! he yelled.  
  
However, at that moment, the door burst open again, swinging around and smacking Tsubasa backwards into the wall. Thoughts poured through the door, but one young girl's voice cut through all of them.  
  
OHOHOHO! RANMA DARLING, WHERE AAAAARE YOOOOU? Kodachi crowed, plowing into the small room and not bothering to close the door behind her.  
  
Ranma stared at her, shocked and bewildered. Of all people, why did SHE have to show up now? More than anyone else (with the exception of Happosai), Ranma had never wanted to hear KODACHI'S thoughts.  
  
But Kodachi had already seen him. And suddenly, Ranma was struck with the very odd sensation of hearing what sounded like two Kodachis saying, Ranma darling! THERE you are! I've cooked up just the most WONDERFUL dinner for you!  
  
Cologne waddled over to Ranma, then turned and gave Kodachi a level gaze. I'm afraid my son-and-law won't be able to eat with you tonight. _What a loon._  
  
Kodachi gave the older woman a distracted, then smug, look, and once again, Ranma was hit with the strange sensation of hearing two Kodachis speaking at once. He will never be your son-in-law! Ranma is MINE! OHOHOHO!  
  
And then it hit him. Ranma could still hear Cologne's thoughts and the thoughts of other girls coming from the other room (_...that is so swee-- ...can't believe he's he-- ...why can't I figure this--_), but he couldn't hear Kodachi's. Which meant that the second Kodachi he was hearing was really her thoughts. Which meant what Ranma had always suspected: Kodachi didn't often think before she spoke.  
  
An irritated look took over Cologne's wrinkled face. I'm afraid Ranma will be Shampoo's groom. Not yours, Ukyo's, Akane's, or anyone else's, but Shampoo's.  
  
Ranma suppressed a groan. Not THIS again.  
  
Oh, but that is not true, dear decrepit woman! Ranma is MINE! I have known it since he first rescued me from the horrible fate of spiraling unconscious towards the ground! OHOHOHO!  
  
At that moment, Shampoo poked her head through the doorway and into the room. Great Grandmother? Everything is all right? Shampoo thought she hear crazy girl laughing. She stared for a moment, blinked, and after the blink, the curiosity on her face was transformed into rage. _Crazy girl IS here!_ What crazy girl doing in Shampoo restaurant? You no welcome here!  
  
Ranma glanced around desperately for an escape route. He did NOT want to be here right now. In fact, he didn't want to be awake right now. He wanted this to be some weird, messed up dream he was having for no real reason. He wanted it to be a dream he was having while he was lying, still unconscious after being hit by a table, on the couch.  
  
Kodachi spun around to face Shampoo. For your information, I'm looking for my Ranma Darling, because he is coming over to my house to eat dinner!  
  
Shampoo thought something in Chinese that Ranma figured was probably some sort of curse. You no take Ranma to your house! Ranma eat Shampoo food tonight! She stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her (thank goodness for Ranma--his head was really starting to throb from the background chatter of thoughts and words) and revealing that she was carrying a tray full of drinks and wearing a usual waitress outfit--a white apron over a Chinese-style patterned shirt and matching pants. Shutting the door also revealed Tsubasa, who's eyes were swirling and who was apparently still knocked out. He fell forward and smacked face first onto the ground.  
  
Ranma didn't want to be here right now. Dealing with Shampoo, Kodachi, Tsubasa, or Cologne separately was hard enough--dealing with all four of them at the same time would be horrible. Plus, he REALLY wanted to go see Dr. Tofu. He looked hastily around, searching for something, anything, that would provide a way out without having to use the door (where Shampoo, Kodachi, and Tsubasa all were).  
  
Aha! A window! Now, if he could just slink over to it without being noticed... Slowly, he lowered himself to his knees, then put his hands down in front of him and started crawling behind Cologne and towards the window. At the moment, Cologne seemed too distracted to notice. _Oh, my granddaughter...she really will do anything for that young man..._  
  
Kodachi laughed derisively. You think Ranma will prefer that SWILL you call food to my ambrosia?  
  
Crazy girl's food not ambrosia! Shampoo food MUCH better! _Ranma would never pick her food over Shampoo's!_  
  
At that moment, Cologne spotted Ranma edging purposefully on his hands and knees along the wall. _Oho. Let's see if son-in-law is up for a little challenge._ Why don't you just ask Ranma who's food he would prefer to eat? she said loudly, before Kodachi could reply to Shampoo.  
  
Shampoo and Kodachi stared at her, then the both stared around the room until they spotted Ranma. RANMA! You is here! Shampoo cried happily. _Now will show crazy girl who Ranma REALLY love!_  
  
RANMA DARLING! How I've MISSED you! what sounded like two Kodachis chorused, even though she had seen him only moments before.  
  
Ranma flinched, then forced a grin onto his face. Slowly, he stood up and turned to face the two girls. Uhhh... Hi, guys.  
  
Ranma eat Shampoo food, yes? Shampoo said, excitement sparkling in her large brown eyes. No eat crazy girl's. _Ranma pick Shampoo for sure!_  
  
OHOHO! Ranma Darling, SURELY you will pick MY food instead of HERS! _Which I, of course, laced with sleeping powder! But for your own good, Darling!_  
  
On one hand, it was relieving hearing Kodachi think something without speaking it. On the other hand, the problem of having to choose who's food to eat (one whom's cooking was covered in poison) was now looming over Ranma the way Mt. Everest might if it were in love with him. Especially considering the fact that at the moment, he really didn't feel like eating either one of their cooking.  
  
Uh. Actually, I, uh... He continued to edge slowly towards the window, waving his hands in a thanks, but no thanks' way in front of himself. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was trying hard to keep smiling.  
  
Darling? Don't you WANT to eat my cooking? Kodachi asked, and Ranma noticed a slight tremble in both of her voices.  
  
Ranma, you eat Shampoo cooking, right? Shampoo half-pleaded. _Ranma always making excuses..._ she thought dejectedly.  
  
Ranma prayed that neither of them would start crying, and had to force himself to keep moving towards the window. Well. I would. I mean, you know, I really would. It's just that...that I have...something I really need to do... He was almost to the window now...  
  
But, Ranma, Shampoo said, lip trembling. Shampoo work so hard to make food for y--  
  
But at that moment, Tsubasa launched forward. While all of Ranma's attention was focused on the two girls, Tsubasa had apparently waken up and gotten to his feet. YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO ACCEPT FOOD FROM OTHER GIRLS!? WHY YOU-- But before he could reach Ranma, the wide part of his mushroom costume smacked into Shampoo's drink tray, sending the drinks flying in the air. Shampoo stared wide-eyed up at them, and then SPLASH! the drinks came down on her and the cups smashed on the floor.  
  
A small, angry looking cat glared up at them all and started yowling indignantly.  
  
This surprised Tsubasa and Kodachi so much that Tsubasa forgot about attacking Ranma and Kodachi blinked. Where did that wretched girl go? she asked blankly, looking around. Then a smile slithered onto her face. She must have been afraid of me! Ohohoho! Ranma darling! I have won! She looked over to where he had been standing. Ranma dar--! Ranma darling?  
  
But as soon as the water had hit Shampoo and she had become a cat, Ranma had run for it. Tsubasa, Cologne, and Kodachi all looked to the window, which was now open.  
  
Kodachi and Tsubasa looked at each other, fire in their eyes, then the ran for the window. Kodachi dived through first, Tsubasa tumbled out after her, then Shampoo scrambled out and followed the other two.  
  
RANMA DARLING! COME BACK TO ME!  
  
I'LL GET YOU, RANMA!  
  
MEOW! MROW!  
  
They all rushed past the lake, and once they were out of sight, a certain red-head popped his head out of the water. he muttered in his soft feminine voice, what nut cases. He climbed out of the water and sat down on the bank. He shivered. It was night now, and it was COLD--especially seeing as how he was soaking wet. He reached down and started to peel off his shirt, but then a voice made him freeze. A voice that sounded exactly like his voice when he became a she.  
  
_Oh NO you don't, buster! Not THIS time! _it snarled.  
  
=..= =..= =..=  
  
{Wahaha. Done. ::demented grin:: This might confuse some of you, but then, it might not. In any case, more will be explained in the next chapter.  
  
And THANK YOU HOUOUZA. ::glomps again:: You get a thank you where everyone can see it for your awesome idea and all of the inspiration you've given me. :) :D  
  
So, as always, constructive criticism (as well as praise :P) is much appreciated. I hope you're all having a lovely summer. Or winter. Or whatever it is where you are. :)}


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